Sorry guys. I haven’t been updating that much. To make things short, I dropped out of high school and had to go through alot of steps to get back in. Anyways, point is, I’m back in school. And I’m back to blogging. No real subject today just rambling about my feelings really.
Have you ever had something happen to you where something pertaining to an ex or even someone you are currently with occurs and your mouth goes dry, and you feel dizzy, and your stomach drops? Its like going through an indoor roller coaster with no light, mouth wide open. And you feel sick, like you could pass out any second? Well I hadn’t not until a few days ago, lets call it a week. I won’t go into details, but it made me think about alot of things. Its funny how everyone I talk to tells me you need to get over it/him. And they act like I’m not trying at all. I am though. I’ve gone 20-something days without trying to contact him at all, 0 without thinking about him. Is that bad? I know that at some point I have to just move on, but it hurts. It doesn’t only hurt because of my feelings and because I’m alone, its because of the people we both were, to the people we’ve become. And it hurts to see that transformation, and know that I was responisible. I mean to see someone who does nothing but play video games, and occasionally hang with friends turn into a chronic partier, alcoholic even. It hurts to see the pictures of him at parties getting wasted, thats not the person I fell in love with. And I wonder, would he have been getting drunk every weekend if we were still together? I wonder is he doing stupid things, he told me once before that he’s banged a girl while drunk and he regretted it, is that going to happen? I know I shouldn’t be concerned, but, I hate to see him changing. And maybe that”s selfish, and I need to accept it. Then theres me, I was once on my way to valedictorian of my class, and then, out of anger, and stress, I drop out of high school completely? I find myself in tears at least once a day. How can I break this? Am I truly crazy? Am I really obsessed? I don’t think I am. I know my heart, as much as my mind wants to, my heart can’t tear away. I know when something could have been great. I know we could have been great. And I shouldn’t after all the things he said to me, but I miss him. And I still love him, more than ever…
“If I could only see in all of my nothing, you were everything to me”
